Going Viral

Disclaimer: If you do not have the appetite to stomach humour, read no more. Feelings of anger will arise and before you know it, hypertension will seize you. And statistics have proved against those with hypertension as far as COVID-19 is concerned. So sit back, relax and think of the present day situation on a lighter note.

This virus has truly gone viral. It has been giving record breaking performances compared to previous epidemics and shall we say it has taught us a lesson or two?

Embrace every creation of the universe; but don’t eat everything with wings just yet. Stacking birds and animals in high rise cages leads to sharing of the wrong fluids. Still wondering where the virus came from?
Discrimination against race, religion, gender, profession and economic status are so out of fashion. The virus has broken all stereotypes and taught employers what equal opportunity truly means. No discrimination means no discrimination.
If BiggBoss is your favourite TV series, now is your turn to be on it; whether you like it or not. Everything looks glamorous on screen. But this is a real time reality show where you and I are heroes – only if we successfully stay indoors without the Kaam Wali Bai aka domestic helper, that is. Remember the Lakshman Rekha from Ramayan? Well, this time it won’t be Ravan, the virus will come for you. Bad news is, it isn’t looking for Sita. Your only hope is good luck and medical attention if the hospitals still have any room left. So follow curfew rules.
Cruise ships, once a luxurious ride for the affluent are now available to anyone who can bail them out.
Their best bet – Pirates!
For two reasons – 1. Pirates need no sanitizers. Single malt whiskey will be enough to clean infected ships.
And 2. They have to be like Captain Hook, albeit, with hooks on both hands. As an after thought, Thakur from Sholay could now have a new profession – as a pirate that the virus will never be able to touch.
Ignorance isn’t bliss anymore; precaution is. Washing hands, practising the humble Namaste and maintaining a one hand, actually one metre distance like we did during physical education classes back in elementary school are your best bets to stay safe.
Self-maid is the way to go. Once in a while, it is important to feel grateful we are in the pink of health because our moms cooked fresh food everyday and did not depend upon domestic help or fast food. Our domestic helpers are human too. So the next time your Bai needs time off, don’t cut her pay. Let her go.
Even if you have it, you still can’t flaunt it. I am talking about money. You heard me. No matter how much you have in your kitty, can you be sure you will have a job tomorrow? With all borders shutting, travel ain’t happening either, unless it is to Mars. And if you are addicted to online shopping, think twice. The virus can survive on most surfaces for days, to spread the love.
If anything, this virus has made us truly God fearing. And with doors to all places of worship closing by the day, politicians and terrorists will have to come up with new excuses to divide the masses.
This virus is the new showstopper. Cardiac arrests, diabetes, hypertension and a host of other killer diseases have already lost their TRPs to it. Mosquitoes, pollen, drink driving, cigarettes and a plethora of contenders now fearing extinction from the human memory would do anything for a slice of those fear triggering neurons.
If the end of the world is near, the only ones to make it to Noah’s Ark past the virus will be the ones who have stacked up on toilet paper, Atta, noodles, rice and in some developed countries, even guns. These are people that will lead us into a new era, free from overpopulation and diseases, on a planet that we shall still call Earth! Don’t take this literally though.

P.S. On a more serious note, when economies are paralyzed, government’s are overworked, people are losing jobs, precautions are best followed. There are real people getting infected and no one knows who’s next. The worst are asymptomatic carriers performing like Algebra variables. They do different things to different people. There are plenty succumbing to the disease. With every life lost, there emerges undying grief. Because family members and friends aren’t able to pay final respects to their loved ones. Because people are dying alone, feeling helpless, in fear and chaos.

But in every nation, amid the ignorant, live true soldiers – Soldiers aren’t only those who take a bullet for us on the border. Those working on ground as doctors, nurses, ward boys, researchers, driving ambulances, taxis and flying planes to bring home our citizens stranded overseas, the immigration staff, the laboratory staff and plenty more who still need to be out there on streets despite the lock down are soldiers too. A big salute to them and to PM Modi for bringing a billion brains to follow his orders of a lock down and understanding the gravitas of the situation.

So while we are stuck at home, why not take this time to connect with ourselves, meditate, cook and eat fresh, spend time with family and rethink about our goals, rekindle that forgotten hobby or lost romance? Why not be prepared for life after this virus has left us? Why not gear up to put that day on the global calendar as a global holiday to celebrate the time when we got back our freedom, our lives.